SUMMER 2005Sondra Ball
Mickleton MM
or almost two months now, I have shared my home with two small grandsons. The older was two when he came (and is still two), and the younger was eight months when he came and is now ten months. I have spent two months clothing them and bathing them and kissing away their pains. I have tucked them in for naps and prepared their bottles and sippy cups and taken them out on the lawn to play. I have discovered (rediscovered, really, for I have parented before) that full-time child rearing is exhausting business. People who study such things have said a stay-at-home mother of pre-schoolers works 80 to 100 hours a week being a parent. And I believe it is true. I have had very little time to think and very little energy to work on anything at all other than parenting. For two months, I wrote no poems. I was late on a few deadlines. I was not really reliable in my clerkship duties. I gave up trying to figure out how my mind and heart works, and spent time instead trying to figure out how the heart and mind of a baby and a toddler work.
And yet, in the midst of the business, I have also found many simple pleasures. I have seen their language skills develop. A few days ago, Josiah (the younger) woke up from nap first. I was changing him when Shahid woke up, stood up in his crib, and asked me, “Get up now?” Before I could say yes, Josiah looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Lay down, Shahid!” A bit bossy maybe, but language skills nonetheless. Shahid, not to be outdone in being in control, later became very angry at Shahid, and decided to punish him. He wagged a finger at him, and said, “No crackers! No grapes! No toys!” Josiah ignored him, perhaps not really caring about the crackers and grapes, perhaps completely confident that I would neither starve him nor remove his toys.
And, even though I sometimes find their immaturity exhausting (I really don’t like changing diapers; I’m not too happy with Shahid’s tendency to dismantle everything in sight, and I am learning to hate the word “No!”), I actually find them delightful! I believe they find their immaturity more frustrating than I do. Josiah so much wants to run across the living room floor. Shahid so much wants to read books. I doubt that either one of them knows how absolutely perfect they already are.
And I think the Creator probably feels that way about us. I think we are more frustrated with our own imperfections than she is with them. Often, when I fail, I come down very hard on myself. I think, “If I weren’t so (weak, evil, stupid, whatever), I would have done this differently, and gotten better results.” But, just as I am delighted that Josiah is learning to talk, that Shahid is struggling with “A ... B ... C,” God is delighted that I am struggling to learn to love. When Josiah tumbles and cries, I pick him up and comfort him. When Shahid cuts himself on the broken piece of pretty glass on the lawn (the one that I didn’t notice first and get out of his way), I put a properly decorated Band-Aid on it. And all is better. I do not judge them at all. I just accept them as being where they are.
I need to practice this acceptance more with the big people in my life. Because I really do believe we all are simply where we are. We have reached whatever stage of development we have reached, and we act accordingly. We all are struggling to grow, sometimes against seemingly insurmountable odds. We all want to be more loved, more loving, more competent. And we are, all of us, learning day by day more about how to live well in this world, how to walk more in love and in grace.
Bear with me patiently as I take on this new job as your clerk. When I fail, gently remind me of the road I need to walk. If I become judgmental, tell me so (hopefully tenderly). Let me know what I do well, and where I need to grow.
Together, walking in love, growing together, Salem Quarter will deepen its love and its life in the Spirit.
Sondra Ball.
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Last modified:
Saturday, May 07, 2005 at 10:19 PM
