SUMMER 2006Ruth van Veenendaal
Woodbury MM
The breathing goes on;
You are in Limbo now—
Place I can't reach …Your eyes open, but
There's no communication
Except cries in pain.Breathing is labored,
Pulse races even faster—
Trying to survive …We sit in your room;
We talk of many topics;
We watch your breathing.The nurses come in;
Sometimes we step outside then,
Privacy moments …Where are you right now?
Are you still in that body?
Or hovering near?They say you hear us
As we talk and play music—
Does it please or annoy?We sit by your bed,
A vigil of relatives
Marking your journey.Does it hold you here,
Or help you in passing
To know we are here?A rapid heartbeat,
Elevated temperature
You're in "transition."Apnea follows,
But the transition is slow …
Are you suffering?Pain can be measured
By the furrows in the brow;
Medicine relieves.Five days have passed now
That we have vigiled by you—
Slowly changes come.Intervals between
The giving of medicine
Mark our days and nights.We wait by your bed,
Taking turns to stay the night,
Waking with each change.The nurses come in.
They turn you to change the bed,
Every movement painful.You protest the moves;
The pain never goes away …
The medicine helps.The nurses are kind;
They try to minimize moves,
Speaking so gently.They know you so well.
You didn't expect to be
Waiting here so long.Who can explain it?
One passing so difficult,
Another so swift …We wish we could ease
The pain that you're feeling—
Release you to go …Your unwanted fight
To endure and not finish
The days of despair...The cancer just rules;
It causes great suffering,
But does not let go …Bound to the body,
Unable to move or leave—
The Spirit cries out …"Tell her she may go,"
The nurse advised to say it.
We said it again …"You've done your work here;
Your mission is accomplished …
You need to move on …""Go with our prayers …
Go with our blessings and hope;
Leave pain behind you!""Be out of the pain!
Walk away from the body!
Walk into the Light!"Increased medication;
And the struggle continues;
The pain increases …The rattling breath,
The staring eyes, open mouth,
Goes on for hours.A luminous green
Surrounds you and is above …
Are you leaving?The mid night light leaves
And you are still here breathing;
Did I imagine?Into the sixth day
Like a CD on "repeat;"
No end in sight …The nurses bathed you;
They see declined response;
They said, "It is time."Your eyes stay open,
Your breathing still a rattle
Marches on and on.Will the breathing stop
When the soul departs the body?
Are you still inside?Your eyes move around;
You seem to be seeing things …
The breathing goes on …The nurses say, no—
Your eyes don't focus at all;
You don't turn your head.The breathing alone
Just takes all the energy,
You move nothing else …We change the washcloth
On your forehead which heats up
So consistently.Your temperature
Stays high and your pulse is fast;
Your heart's working hard.The seventh day comes
And passes like the others;
No end in sight.I must leave you now,
So I kiss your hot forehead
And say my goodbye …Your sister stays on—
One more night sleeps by your side;
She talks and she prays.Your time has been spent;
You have been a good sister;
You need to move on …At last the eighth day
Brings the end to your suffering—
You breathe your last breath.It wasn't much time,
The hours I spent with you—
And now they are gone.Did it help you pass?
Did you seem less alone then?
Could you feel the love?I know it helped me—
I think it helped your sister;
But what about you?Are you in a safe place?
Have you found the answers yet
To your life questions?I wonder …
This poem, written during the dying of the author's cousin, first appeared in the online poetry journal Autumn Leaves, Volume 10, Number 2 (March 2006), and is copyright © 2006 Ruth van Veenendaal.
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Last modified:
Monday, May 08, 2006 at 07:24 PM
